Prudence Tippins
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Parents, just let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Dear Prudence:
My daughter has been married only six years. She married young, which worried her father and me at the time, but she insisted she knew what she was doing. Now, she has announced she is getting divorced and is asking to move back in with us. My husband finds this unconscionable and refuses even to talk with her. While I agree that she has made some foolish decisions and should certainly give her marriage another try, I don’t know if I could turn her away from the doorstep if she needed us. But then my own marriage could well be in jeopardy. How can I communicate all this to my hard-headed daughter?
—Disappointed Mom
Dear Disappointed:
“Home,” as Robert Frost penned in Death of the Hired Man, “Is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” More important than the physical sheltering your daughter has asked for, though, is the home in your hearts. People get married “too” young. People get divorced. In fact, people make all kinds of errors in judgment as they live their lives. We are messy beings.
Parents, whether we like it or not, have signed up to actively love our children, even if they stubbornly prove to be imperfect. The blessing here is that we get to grow, grow, grow in the process! You and your husband have a lot of judgment around the issues of marriage and responsibility. In order to continue to provide your daughter emotional support, you will both need to explore the roots of your intolerance. When you were young, what were you forbidden to do? What parts of life have you left unexplored because of your need to be responsible? Have you ever felt the urge to separate or divorce?
Honestly answering questions like these can help you see that the simmering anger comes not from your daughter’s actions, but from your own projections. When you clear your heart of these obstructions, you will likely find a deep well of compassion for your daughter.
This is a clearly a case that would benefit from consulting with one of our area’s very talented mental health counselors. My recommendation: keep your focus on the opening of your hearts to your daughter before you even discuss the reopening of your front door.
Dear Prudence:
I graduated from college this year, and I have chosen to go to graduate school, which makes my parents proud. But honestly, I am only going back to school because I have no drive at all to work. I hate the field I majored in, but here I go right back into it in school. I don’t know what I want anymore. I want money, sure, and I want my parents to be proud of me, but I also want to be happy, and that seems a long way off. I guess I just don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice?
—Pretty Sad
Dear Sad:
You don’t say why you majored in a field that doesn’t appeal to you, but I’m guessing it has to do with your parents’ wishes. You’re not alone in trying to live out their dreams. Most of us either take on our parents’ unfulfilled wishes or rebel against them. Maybe it’s time to do a little rebelling, at least in the form of choosing a field of study that you enjoy.
Almost every college has an office for career counseling that will help you identify the best course of study for your talents and interests. Take advantage of that over the summer and get the wheels of change rolling. Your parents want you to be happy, over anything else, even if it takes them a while to realize that. Enjoy the exploration!
Dear Prudence loves receiving reader mail! If you have a question or comment, please write to her at dearprudence@kickapoofreepress.com or D.P., Kickapoo Free Press, P.O. Box 265, Viroqua, WI 54665. |
